I felt slightly disconnected from my surroundings this week and I shouted far too loud once to my son, and for that I feel awful. Odd week, productive and odd.
Fighting with your children, especially when they are under 3, is a humiliating, horrible experience. As I crossed the line and could feel my temper breaking free from the constraints of reason and I-dare-say immeasurable love, I actually was weak... the weakest I had been in a long time. I felt like I was letting him down, not because he was screaming and shouting but because I somehow could not prevent him from going down that road even though I tried. But somehow I did not try hard enough and that I need to apologize to him. And then apologizing to him makes me feel like those abusive husbands, who try to make it up to their wives the day after.
The truth is I have opted for honesty at all levels with my son; from day one, never lied to him, never even misrepresented the truth! It would have been easier to lie I know but I think that shows a lack of respect and after all he is part of me! So not respecting him essentially translates into not respecting me. Sometimes however, control is lost and I am not sure it is because I get frustrated at his stubbornness or unwillingness to cooperate or because I am simply not good enough.