Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Travelling with wounds....

I have this thing about travelling... i expect it all to go smoothly and wonderfully and me be in top form. That is hardly ever the case of course and for the past two days with me experiencing the most horrific stomach ache of my life I was convinced I was cursed... well maybe not cursed.. but probably i was made to pay for my gluttony... again and again...

I am numb today.. almost recovered, almost done with work, almost on the verge but not quite there. I was inspired by a woman today who as she said "taught herself to be calmer" and basically let it all slide... can this happen i wonder? Can we learn that? I sure should try... and i know i have in the past and failed but so what? this could be a new beginning... and how i love those new beginnings with all the promise they hold.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

It took me five minutes to pull out of my driveway this morning! That is a long time to be waiting for a suburban road to clear! Whatever happened to suburbia? clean and quiet and dull? 3 days ago a murder and suicide took place 3 blocks down; and even though it might sound exciting this sort of thing never used to happen in our predictable little part of the world. Times are changing and obviously social realities are changing with them. Pretty soon this will feel like downtown and I am kinda hoping it will!!!! I have always craved to live in an apartment in the centre... it is one of those unfulfilled dreams I have.

But one never knows when dreams might come to be... that is the whole point of them I guess.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Tuesday afternoon....

Not too slow, not too fast... not too warm, not too cold. Accepting reality I guess is the toughest test we can endure! So we have to come to terms.. that's it... coming to terms!

This is your life, it might change eventually but right now let's just love it... I know for me it is particularly difficult especially after years of impatience but maybe all this happens for a reason.. think about it??
In 2005 or 2006 I am not sure I was convinced I was seriously diseased because for approximately 2 weeks in April, my nose was stuffed, my throat was sore and my head felt like it was about to explode. The same thing has been happening around the same time every year and last night the April stuffeds visited me once again, only in March this time!

I got up at 7 am and it was not until 9 am, after a 30-min jog, a hot shower and infinite amounts of snot removal and 2 Panadols that I felt human... Don't you just love pollen and dust??? They are the tell-tale signs of spring after all and spring is all about waking up; waking up and smelling the flowers, let your body bask in the sun once again and feel. Feeling is the most important thing, and spring has sprung...

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Most flavours in our lives are bittersweet; the grand mixed in with the miserable, the happy with the sad, the suprising with the mundane. Great news can be shadowed by bad news but I think we are successful when we manage to separate the two... grand is grand... and that's that.

From the onset this week has shown particular promise and I am taking on lessons that I have only briefly considered in the past. Be patient, be strong, be resilient and above all believe in yourself. I have added a new one... believe in others too.. that was particularly hard for me! I have no faith in others, I have always believed that people are not to be relied upon, to call or inform you or be there 100% when you need them. Maybe I am the same, but I realised last week that good fortune comes from when you learn to let go and learn to work with others, and be easy with the thought that they will keep up their end of the deal, and you know what? sometimes they do... and this is good. I have rediscovered my faith in people... somewhat... and I am wondering what comes next.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Mellow Yellow... I want to make a CD; when I was younger we used to make tapes, I remember making a compilation tape for my then girlfriend at 20 something, and I thought it was a bid deal. She did not like half the songs in it, it turned out! But now for my CD I know what songs I want on it, dawn songs... and I have plenty of those. Not songs that talk about the dawn, but which can be listened to at dawn.

This morning I saw the day breaking, sure it was cloudy but the dawn was right there. My son's nose was blocked and he was crying and in the middle of the chaos I looked out and there it was, dark and then light... dawn... the most beautiful sight... So yes I want to make a CD with 'dawn' songs.

Any suggestions??

Friday, 12 March 2010

I have been wondering what to write... and I decided to write about baby steps... those tiny forward steps that eventually do get us from A to B, no matter how shaky and wobbly our path. It is a tough time for most of us, a time of reorganisation, new priorities and feelings. What will tomorrow bring? Where is my sense of security? Do I need one? I am starting to think that in the name of security I for one have sacrificed far too much and let's face it, we are never secure nor should we be.

I am taking baby steps again... and the direction is forward... away from A and on to B...

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Remember how last Friday I was hoping for a revelation? Well it did not happen... or rather that was the revelation! that there is nothing to reveal! There might be a better place than this but it is not easy to get to and it will certainly NOT be revealed, it will be earned though days of misery and struggle, hardship and heartache!

On a lighter note (ha ha ha) I am looking for recipes for quick bites, nibbles, like a plate of small interesting contraptions. Any suggestions? Well I doubt you can suggest anything because very few people actually read this but still I do like to throw questions wide open to the audience!!

:-) so come on... impress me!

Friday, 5 March 2010

Friday feeling...

It's Friday, sure I had a rough start, sure I had a headache for hours.. but it is Friday and I am full of ideas once again and ready to make something of the weekend, I am just not sure what yet!!

I felt weak over the past few days, not physically more emotionally than anything else. Like a speedboat battered by waves from all sides. Issues just taking over, and what I learnt this week is that issues cannot take over because then, they become life itself and our lives are so much more than our problems or the problems of those we love. It has not been easy for me to realise and I am still not 100% sure that it can work, given my frame of wind but I owe it to my sanity to try so as Friday afternoon slowly creeps upon us I will let go... and hope for a revelation...

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

It is already March... the first part of the year is already behind us, ready for 2010 to really take off. I still feel a weird energy that is uplifting but not enough of it to solve the problems I want to solve for the people I love.

My son started school today... and I know it is almost commonplace to feel emotional on a day like this but I really felt the significance of this event. This is like first steps, first words. He is no longer attached to us in the same way, he will create a new universe, albeit with other toddlers but sooner or later he will make friends, he will have secrets, I will not know everything about his day. It is thrilling to me that I made this human being standing in front of his teacher in his stonewashed GAP jeans...

About Me

There is not much to say that is not covered in my posts... this blog was created because, well because writing has been a passion of mine and communicating is high up there on the list too...